I could be nuts. I’m
still not sure I know what I’ve gotten myself into signing up for this sprint
triathalon shortly after turning 53, the most miserable birthday of my
life. Not because of the age; just
because of how it marked a day that should be happy, and I was not. Not even close. The “let’s-celebrate-a-birthday” call to
action could not be answered by me on that day, and that’s the first time in my
life where that has happened. It kinda
scared me, to be honest.
But that’s not why I signed up for this sprint tri. Or maybe it was, partially. Anyone who really knows me knows I’ve been looking
for the next thing to “birth” in my life, what with the most important job I’ve
ever had, being a mother, pretty much fulfilled. Nothing compares with witnessing two young
women become the awesome people they are and realizing, looking back, that this
activity consumed a lot of time, energy, attention, devotion and that every
moment was pretty darn sacred. It’s hard
to find anything else that seems as important, and duh, that’s because nothing
else is. Realizing this now I would have
had another child (maybe 4 more!), while I still could just to prolong that
active motherhood phase. But prolong is
all it would do. Eventually we all have
to show up for our own role call.
My search for my role on this planet continues. And the undertone to this search is fraught
with questions about what it means to show up, to just be present and engaged
in a powerful way. I am that for other
people when I coach. I am not that for
myself.
And so I started getting little inklings that my female
warrior energy was in need of being “oomphed” up. The huge hornet in my bathroom sink (=
shamanic symbol of female warrior energy), which I ended up drowning because I just couldn’t deal
with how powerful it was (me who once saved a poisonous spider and set it free).
And then the hornet that alighted on me… just making a guest
appearance on my sweaty arm after my Power
yoga class. And then my overwhelming
urge to get back to swimming laps, hard and long as I can. I just wanna feel really powerful. And I think that’s because feeling physically
powerful will help translate into feeling powerfully present. And yet a real part of me also keeps wanting to
run away, to escape, to find safety. And
being powerful lets you escape readily, at least physically. So I’m still trying to sort out what this
whole sprint tri activity is about for me. One thing I know for sure: I have always been hugely kinesthetic. How could I not let my body lead the way in
this endeavor?
So I’m gonna go with the idea that my first sprint
triathalon is dedicated to honoring my female warrior energy, the really
strong, robust part of me that holds firm and steady through anything; the part
of me that enables me to feel safe, all by myself, without looking to others,
without running for cover.
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